Protection (Boys Don't Cry)
by colormetheworld
Summary: Emily finally has the chance to be with JJ. Strong T


The first time it happens, Emily doesn't think too much of it. It's their third date, and the whole thing is new. It's definitely new to JJ, who confessed on date one that she'd never been with a woman before. "I've never _wanted_ to be with a woman before," she'd clarified quickly, taking an extra large sip of her wine. "I've never felt this way about...about _anyone_ before you, Emily."

JJ's words made Emily shiver, even though just seconds before she'd felt overheated.

So it's natural. JJ's nervous, not just about dating a colleague, but about dating a woman.

And she over-indulges.

But the fourth time, Emily begins to worry. JJ puts her hand up to order another glass of wine, and when she looks back around, she notices Emily's frown.

"What's wrong?" she asks. "Did you want another one as well?"

Emily glances automatically at her half full glass, still her first of the evening.

"No," she says. "And that's your fourth." She makes sure to keep her voice studiously neutral, just in case JJ takes offense at the idea of being monitored.

Surprisingly, JJ dips her chin and looks at Emily with a smile that is half seductive, and half terrified.

"Everybody I ever dated liked their women loose at the end of the night," she murmurs.

This statement, a statement that sober JJ would never make in a million years, does nothing to alleviate Emily's fears.

"I'm not like everyone you've ever dated," she says firmly. She means it. She means it honestly, but for some reason, JJ laughs.

The waiter finds that moment to deliver the glass of wine, and JJ takes a sip. A big sip.

"Lighten up," she says.

It's another thing that sober JJ would never tell Emily to do.

How long has Emily Prentiss been in love with Jennifer Jareau?

Seven years, sixteen days, eight hours and thirteen minutes. She has wanted to kiss her, to hold her hand, to fall asleep next to her, for even longer.

She drives them home the night of the fourth date, and JJ leans her head back against the headrest, and closes her eyes.

She's had six and a half glasses of wine, and her lips are slack.

"Emily," she says. "Emily,"

"I'm here, babe," Emily says quietly. Though she doesn't say what she's really thinking, which is…

 _What have I done?_

JJ's hand finds Emily's knee and then runs idly up her thigh, high enough that Emily has to use her free hand to stop her, holding JJ's wrist tight.

"JJ," she says, though - God help her - the action has made her a little breathless. "You have to stop. You're drunk."

"Drinking isn't all bad. Sometimes in can make things even more exciting," JJ says lightly. Her tongue catches on the 'c' in the word so that it draws out. She wiggles her hand, trying to get it free so she can move it again.

Emily holds fast, forcing herself to focus on the road, and not the trajectory of her date's fingers. Not the way that JJ's sweater has fallen off her shoulder, or the way she tilts her head towards the window, exposing the smooth and beautiful skin of her neck.

Emily has not done more than kiss her.

On date two, she leaned across into the passenger seat and kissed JJ in front of her house. The other woman had remained sober that night, and so Emily had felt confident that if it wasn't want JJ wanted, she would have said so.

She didn't, and the feeling of her lips on JJ's made Emily's palms start to sweat.

But then JJ had been out of the car and up the walk, waving brightly (and unconvincingly) from the door, before Emily had been able to do more than unbuckle her seatbelt.

Now, as they pull up in front of Jennifer's house for the second time that week, Emily longs to do it again. She stops herself.

"Here we are," she says, watching JJ's head roll around to look through the window.

"Home," JJ says softly. She takes a deep breath.

When she turns to look at Emily, her smile has turned plastic around the edges. "Come inside with me," she says.

Emily wants to scream. Does JJ not realize that she can see how scared she is? They have promised not to profile each other, but a child could see that this woman is terrified of what she thinks Emily will do to her.

What does she think Emily is going to do to her?

Emily sighs. "I'm not sure that's a really good idea," she says. She pulls her phone out of her pocket and texts Garcia, who is watching Henry for the night. "Come on," she says unbuckling her seatbelt as Garcia's return texts ping through. "Let's get you inside."

She jogs around to the passenger side of the car in time to catch JJ as she stumbles out onto the sidewalk.

"Yeah," JJ says as Emily lifts her to her to her feet. "This is what you want, right?"

The question takes Emily by such surprise that she stops walking, turning to stare down into JJ's glazed eyes.

JJ looks back at her, and Emily has just worked out both fear and resignation beneath the thin veneer of seduction, when Garcia reaches them.

"Hey, buttercup," she says brightly. "Overindulge?"

JJ tries not to let her relief at being passed into Penelope's arms show on her face, but her body language speaks volumes.

Emily lets her go, and crosses her arms over her chest, trying not to let the hurt overwhelm her. This is JJ.

This is the woman who first made her feel included, and like she was part of the team. This is the woman who invited her to Christmas with her family when she found out she had nowhere to go for the holiday.

This is the woman that she'd trusted with her feelings, and her opinions, and on one occasion, her tears.

She had seen true genuine excitement in JJ's eyes when she'd asked her out. She'd given it enough time after the other woman's announcement that she was leaving Will.

She'd done everything right.

Henry likes her. He likes her a lot…doesn't he?

Emily looks up as Garcia leads JJ up the front steps, and sees Henry holding the door open.

He is staring at Emily with an emotion that she can only describe as hatred.

She gets back in her car, and drives away.

She invites both JJ and Henry out for the weekend, but JJ declines on Friday, not quite able to make eye contact when she does so.

The excuse she gives is a lie. Even Penelope can see it, from a couple feet away.

She puts her hand on Emily's shoulder as JJ walks away. "I don't know, kitten," she says, like she can read Emily's mind. "I honestly don't know."

Emily doesn't answer. She has just realized that this is the first time anyone has touched her voluntarily in almost two months.

The awareness has tightened her throat past the ability to speak.

Penelope doesn't seem to need her to verbalize her feelings. "Hey," she says, lowering her voice. "Em. This doesn't mean that you-"

"It's fine." She knows that she sounds clipped, and she knows that Penelope will be hurt, but she can't help it.

This is pain that she has not felt in a long, long time.

She needs to be alone in order to process it.

She declines drinks with the group that evening, and she leaves as soon as the day is over. She can feel JJ's eyes on her as she leaves, but she doesn't look back, and JJ doesn't follow her.

She sits on the couch, watching Call the Midwife on Netflix until almost 2am. She doesn't cry (for more than five minutes).

She falls into a fitful sleep, and she dreams that she and JJ are planning to have a baby. They are happy, and in love until Emily gives birth, and what comes out is not an infant, but a monstrosity. That is when JJ looks at her with pity and disgust.

 _I should have known,_ she whispers. _I should have known you'd give birth to something evil._

Emily wakes to wailing, thinking the nightmare is true.

It is just the television in the background. A fictional, healthy baby being born.

…

…

"I think, maybe we work better as-as just friends."

It is six days, and one unsuccessful date later, and Emily is sitting in JJ's office at the end of the work day. She has been waiting for this moment, has braced for it, but it still feels like a boot across her windpipe.

She can tell that JJ is watching her closely, waiting for some kind of reaction. Her blue eyes are wide and a little bit wet.

It is this fact that drives Emily to force her face into a small smile.

"Well, that's the nicest rejection I've ever had," she says softly. All of her training as an Ambassador's daughter has led her to this day, though she has to admit that the lump in her throat has never been quite so big.

JJ looks momentarily stunned. She bites her lip, which makes Emily want to kiss her. "I-I know you must be really angry," she says, trailing off as though Emily is going to agree with her. As though Emily would ever agree with that sentence, even if anger were actually seeping from her pores.

"I'm not," she says, making sure to keep her voice even. Gentle. "How could I be mad at you for being honest with me?"

There is a flicker in JJ's expression that Emily does not allow herself to interpret. If it is regret, that is still not something to celebrate. JJ is doing this for a reason, even if she wants to keep it hidden. She stops herself from reaching for JJ's hand.

"It's okay," she says.

It does not feel okay.

JJ looks down into her lap, worrying her lip between her teeth. "I'm so sorry, Emily," she says quietly. "I want..ed to try this. I really did. I don't want you to think I was leading you on. Or…" she makes a helpless gesture, eyes welling up. "I didn't expect it to go like this. I thought you would…I thought I-" she breaks off abruptly, shaking her head. The sentence has struck Emily like a physical blow, but she doesn't give into the screaming she hears inside her head.

"It's okay," she says again. "I understand. Sometimes things that seem really good on paper just…aren't in real life."

JJ is fighting not to cry. "You're being so nice about this," she says accusingly. "You're…you've been so… _nice_ this entire time. I'm so sorry."

Emily can't stop herself from reaching her hand out, heartened when JJ doesn't even hesitate to take it. "Jennifer," she says softly. "The only thing I really care about is that you are happy. So you don't want to date me," she makes gentle motion with her shoulders that JJ frowns at. "As long as I haven't hurt you, or done anything to ruin our friendship?"

JJ shakes her head emphatically. "No!" she says. "God, no, it's not-"

But Emily cuts her off. "Then it doesn't matter. I'm…okay." She curses herself internally for the pause, for the tears that come unbidden to her eyes.

She stands, blinking away the wetness before JJ can see. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

She turns to see that JJ is looking at her, expression caught somewhere between fear and confusion.

The words _I love you,_ try to force themselves out of Emily's mouth, but she holds them back.

"I'll see you tomorrow," JJ says quietly. "Please don't be mad at me, Em."

Emily pulls the door open, turning to say the first true statement of the conversation.

"I could never be mad at you, JJ."

…

…

Things go back to normal.

That is, things go back to an approximation of the normal they had before Emily asked JJ to date her.

Morgan doesn't understand. He vacillates between anger at JJ and insistence that Emily has not tried hard enough.

"She's been in love with you for ages," he says. "Someone needs to talk some sense into her for letting you go."

This is the only time that Emily allows herself to engage in this topic of conversation. "No," she says firmly. "Derek, neither you nor I is going to pressure her into doing anything. Do you understand? I am an adult. I can handle rejection. I suggest you find a pair of big girl panties and do the same."

And though she ends this little tirade with a joke, Morgan does not bring up the idea that their failed relationship is JJ's fault ever again.

They work three cases. Four.

Emily shoots an unsub, a man who has been imprisoning and torturing women, and on the Jet ride back home, JJ sits closer to her than she has since everything began.

"Are you okay?" she asks quietly.

Emily shrugs. "It's the job," she says, and JJ doesn't say anything more, but she links their hands together between them, stroking her thumb over Emily's knuckles.

They sit like that until the plane bumps down, and then Emily shoots JJ a grateful smile and stands to grab her go bag from the overhead bin.

She only catches a glimpse of JJ's stunned face as she exits the jet, but it keeps her awake all night.

She continues on as if nothing has happened, as if she and JJ were never romantically involved, and as if she doesn't wake herself every other night with the memory of JJ's lips on hers.

Gradually, as if swayed by the sheer force of her commitment, JJ begins to let Emily back into her life.

She joins the team for lunch in the bullpen again.

She sits in her usual spot on the jet, across from Emily, and they talk like nothing has happened.

She puts her hand on Emily's shoulder when the latter brings her coffee. "I could kiss you," she says, and there is no secondary flicker of panic at her choice of words.

Emily trains herself to be happy.

Heartfelt.

Hollow.

Her only real happiness comes from the fact that Henry seems to love her again.

JJ calls her on a sunny Saturday afternoon, and asks Emily to pick him up. She is stuck in the office and can't get away.

"Strauss is here," she says under her breath. "It's going to be like, four more hours of not so subtle interrogation, and I told Henry I'd be there to pick him up from the sleep over."

"I don't mind," Emily says. She is already pulling a sweater on over her tank top, looking around for her other Converse. "Text me the address, and I'll go get him. We'll grab some food and hang out at your house until you get there."

"I don't want to put you out."

Emily can almost see JJ biting her lip. It has been almost six weeks since their 'break up' and this is as close to back to normal as they have been.

"Don't worry about it," she says, pulling her door open. "I'm happy to do it. It's been forever since Henry and I got to hang out."

It only takes two more minutes of assurances for JJ to disconnect the call, and by that time, Emily is already pulling out of her parking space.

She doesn't allow herself to worry about the hours of uninterrupted time with Henry until he is climbing into the back of her car, tossing his overnight back into the way back with her own.

"Mom says she's going to be a little late. She got caught up at the office."

Henry makes brief eye contact with Emily in the rearview mirror. "K."

"I thought we could grab some burgers?" Emily tries.

"Whatever," Henry says.

They drive in silence for almost four miles.

"Emily?" Henry's voice makes her jump.

"Yeah?" She asks, too eagerly.

"Are you still dating my mom?"

Emily pauses, wondering what JJ told him. "No," she says, deciding on the truth. "We decided that we should just be friends."

Henry's eyes meet hers again, for longer. "Really?"

Emily nods. "Yeah. Is that okay? I'd really love to keep being her friend. And yours."

Henry's mouth pushes upwards, just the tiniest bit. "Yeah," he says, sounding more cheerful than before. "Can we get Five Guys?"

Emily smiles. "Of course we can, but remind me that I hate their Jalepenos when we get there."

Henry grins. "You always forget," he says, leaning back in his seat.

By the time he is halfway through his burger, Henry is his old, funny, loving self. Emily chats and plays, and eats along with him, but inside her thoughts are spinning. Henry did not like her when she was dating his mother, that much is clear.

She only wishes she knew why.

…

…

JJ does not make it home until almost 10:30. Henry has been in bed for hours, and Emily is sitting cross legged on the couch flipping through the cable channels, and wondering if she's missing anything by only streaming media in her condo.

She hears the door click open, and then shut, and then keeps herself from looking around when JJ flops next to her on the couch.

"Strauss is a sociopath," JJ says tiredly.

Emily chuckles. "A narcissist," she corrects. "And an addict of some kind, I think, though I haven't figured out what kind yet."

JJ grunts. "Well work fast. She needs to be gone. Always poking around, trying to make trouble." She sighs heavily. "Thanks for getting Henry."

"It's no problem."

"And thank you for staying for so long. And feeding him and-"

"You don't have to thank me, Jay," Emily says easily. "I'm always there for you and Henry. You know that."

JJ shakes her head. "Don't say that," she says quietly. "I know I've been horrible to you."

Emily frowns. She turns to look at JJ finally and sees that she's gotten tears in her eyes.

"Jen-" Emily begins, surprised and confused. She reaches out for the other woman, and then hesitates when she flinches.

"No," JJ says. "I'm sorry. God, I'm sorry. You don't have to comfort me."

Emily's hand is still outstretched. "I really, really want to," she says softly. "I promise not to...try anything, JJ, is that what you're worried about?"  
JJ looks up at her suddenly. "What?"

"You flinched," Emily points out. "I'd never hurt you."

JJ continues to stare at her, as though she's speaking a different language. "Have I ruined us?" she whispers.

Emily shakes her head. "No. No, of course not. If anything, I was too presumptuous. But I promise that you have nothing to fear from me, Jay, alright? I just want to-"

But her sentence is cut off when JJ leans forward and presses their lips together.

She is too caught off guard to react at first. JJ kisses her, pulls back, and then leans forward and kisses her again. Emily's eyes snap shut tight. She tries to wake herself up.

This must be a dream.

But JJ presses closer to her, sliding her arms around her waist."Emily," she whines. "please…"

Emily kisses her back. She cannot help it. Her hands come up to JJ's face, and she slides her fingers into her hair, flushing with pleasure at the gasp this earns her.

JJ slides her tongue into Emily's mouth, and her hands push up, under Emily's sweater.

"No," Emily pulls back. "Jen, you have to stop."

JJ pulls away from her like she's been scalded. "I'm...I'm sorry."

"No, Jesus, don't be sorry," Emily says quickly. "I just don't want to do anything you don't want."

JJ looks at her like this is an odd thing to say. "I kissed you," she says, almost harshly. "I know what I want."

This seems like a blatant lie. Emily takes JJ's hand and brings it to her lips for a kiss.

"I'm not going anywhere," she says. "I'm not going anywhere, okay?"

JJ bursts into tears.

She buries her face in the bend of Emily's neck, and she cries. "Don't leave me," she says between her sobs. "Don't leave me, please, Em. _Please_."

"I'm not," is all Emily can manage.

"I know I've hurt you," JJ says, holding tightly. "I can see it in your face every day. I can see you wondering what you've done. God, Em, it's not you. It's me. It's me. I'm _broken._ I...Just take what you want from me okay? But don't leave me. I can't lose you."

There is too much information in JJ's little speech for to her fully digest. Emily pulls JJ into her lap, and she kisses her temple, murmuring quietly.

JJ continues to cry, but now she is pressing kisses against Emily's collarbone, making it hard for Emily to think.

"I love you," JJ whispers. "You can do whatever you want."

And Emily pulls away, appalled at the implications of these words. But she has only made eye contact with JJ for a split second when Henry appears around the corner, running full force, and slams himself into Emily, knocking her to the floor.

…

…

She shuts down her first instinct to fight.

This is Henry. _JJ's_ Henry, his small fists striking her shoulder, and then at her chin, landing blows that hurt her heart more than her body.

"You don't get to hit her!" He cries, half sobbing half screaming, the way little boys do when they are mad. "You don't get to hurt her! I'm big now, and no one gets to hurt her ever AGAIN."

JJ is yelling too. She finds an in around her son's flailing arms and pulls him away, not letting go once Henry's fists are clear of Emily's face.

"Henry," she's saying. "Henry, Henry. It's okay. It's just Emily. It's just Em."

Emily stands, hands still at her side, watching.

"She hit you!" he screams at his mother, face red. "She made you cry." He turns his face to glare at Emily. "She's just like Daddy!" he yells. " _ **You're just like Daddy**_!"

JJ is shaking her head, though she seems momentarily lost for words. She takes Henry's face in her hands and turns his head so he is looking at her again.

"I can protect you now, Mommy," he says quietly.

JJ pulls his forehead to hers. "I don't need protecting from Emily, sweetheart," she answers thickly. "Emily doesn't hurt me."

"You were crying."

JJ takes a breath, steadying herself. "Yes," she nods, "but not because of anything Emily did. I was crying because I was…confused."

Henry pulls back to look at his mother. "Confused about what?"

JJ glances up at Emily and then away, "I was confused about how Emily felt about me. I was…worried that she didn't think I was…special."

Henry looks over his shoulder at Emily. "Do you think Mommy's special?" he asks her simply.

Emily nods. "You and your mother are the most special, most important people in my life," she replies. She only looks at Henry when she says this. She thinks that if she looks at JJ, she will start crying too. That is the last thing that either of them need right now.

"She thinks we're special, mom," Henry says, turning back to JJ.

"I know," JJ says, eyes welling up again. "It's just hard for me to believe, sometimes."

"Because of Daddy?"

JJ swallows. "Yes," she manages finally.

Henry leans forward to hug his mother. She hugs him back tightly, hiccupping a little as she starts to cry again.

Emily stays where she is, sick to her stomach.

Burning with anger.

Gently, Henry extracts himself from his mother's arms, and goes over to where Emily is standing near the couch. He climbs up onto it, and sits down.

Emily sits down next to him, giving him a small smile when he looks up at her.

"Your chin is probably going to have a bruise," he says, inspecting her face.

Emily nods. "That's okay."

"I thought you were hurting my mom."

"I know," Emily says, still nodding. "That's why it's okay."

Henry looks down into his lap. "I didn't want to believe that you'd hurt her. I got so mad."

"I'd never hurt her." It's all Emily can think to say. The last four months are falling into place, and having a picture of the entire story is immobilizing her with grief and fury.

"Daddy hurt her. Before he left. He used to make her cry, all the time."

It takes Emily a moment to be able to respond. "I wish I'd known," she says lowly. "I would have tried to help."

"They would come home like you guys did, I'd always stay awake to make sure she came home." Henry looks up at her, his clear blue eyes no longer wet. "Wobbly," he clarifies. "And then they'd go upstairs and Mommy would cry. Sometimes he would yell."

This makes JJ sob, still on her knees on the floor, one hand over her mouth, eyes screwed shut. Henry looks at her, but her distress does not move him to tears.

He turns ten in one month. Emily has heard Will tell him that turning ten makes him a man. She wonders what else he has told his son, when no one can hear him.

"I wanted to be big enough to defend her," he says, turning back to look at Emily. "But he left us before I was." A slight dip of the chin. His nostrils flare, just a little. "I'm not too small anymore."

A challenge.

Emily leans down so she can look him directly in the eyes. "You did a fantastic job, defending her tonight, Henry," she says, and his shoulders relax an inch. "I'd never hurt your mother, but with you protecting her, that's not even an option for anyone anymore."

Henry nods.

"I want to tell you something though," Emily continues, waiting for Henry to nod. "I won't hurt your mom. I'll do my absolute best to never make her cry. I'll do my best to make sure you feel safe. That you both feel safe, whenever I'm around. And when that happens? When you feel that way? You can go to sleep whenever you want. And I'll stay up. I'll keep watch."

Henry looks away from her, down into his lap again. It is because he has started to cry, and he doesn't want her to see.

"I'm gonna talk to your mom now. Is that okay?"

He nods brusquely, and Emily turns from him to JJ, sliding off the couch and onto her knees in front of the only woman she's ever truly loved.

"Jennifer," she says softly.

JJ won't look at her. "I didn't want you to know. I wanted you to think I left him," she whispers. "I wanted you to think I was brave."

Emily takes her hand. "You are brave," she says.

"I thought if I…I thought if I just had a couple while you and I were out…" she can't finish. She buries her face in her hands. "I kept wishing you would just do it. Just get mad and do it, and get it over with. And then when I told you I didn't...God. I knew you'd never and I hated myself so much."

"Jen," Emily hears her voice break, and wills herself to stay calm. She has to be the steady one, here. "Jen," she repeats. "Can I hold you? Please?"

And blessedly, JJ nods, and moves forward to fold herself into Emily's arms.

Emily pulls JJ's head to her chest, stroking her hair. "I'm so sorry," she whispers. "I've loved you for as long as I can remember, and I didn't see it. I didn't see."

JJ shakes her head slowly. "I didn't want you to," she says simply.

"I'm here. I won't hurt you," Emily says. She looks at Henry, still sitting on the couch. "I won't hurt you," she says again, so he can hear.

"Tell me," JJ says softly into the folds of her sweater. "Say more."

And readjusting slightly, Emily starts to talk. She tells JJ and Henry about all the things that she wants to do. She details a trip to the Adirondacks, the kayaks that she wants to rent, the way the sun looks when it's setting behind the mountains, turning them gold.

She tells them that they can make s'mores and tell ghost stories.

She tells them that they can pitch a tent and zip their sleeping bags together to make one giant one.

She says that Henry will never have to worry if he is doing something wrong, or if he is saying the right thing. JJ will not have to force herself to be quiet.

"I'll spend the rest of my life," she says softly, "telling you both how safe you are. 1,000 times a day," she says to the mother and son asleep in the living room. "I will never, ever hurt you."

…

She carries them both to bed, tucking them under the covers in the master bedroom, because when they wake up, she wants them to see each other, and know immediately that the other one is safe.

She watches as they curl into each other, half asleep. Henry is too big and too old to snuggle with his mother anymore, but he does it anyway, taking the comfort as greedily as JJ gives it.

Emily watches them for a long minute before turning to leave.

"Em?" JJ's voice makes her turn.

"Hey beautiful," Emily says. "Everything's okay. I'll call you tomorrow."

JJ shakes her head, holding out her hand. "Stay," she says quietly.  
Emily wants to decline more than anything in the world.

The only thing Emily wants in the world is to accept.

"Jen, I'm not going to-"

"Stay with us, Emmy," JJ says reaching her hand out a little further. "I...I can't...I might not be able to show you for a little bit, but being without you this last month has been torture."

Emily nods. "Yeah."

"So come sleep with us. When I wake up…" JJ flushes, too embarrassed to say it.

Emily crosses back to the bed and slips in behind JJ. She pushes her hair to the side and kisses the back of the other woman's neck.

"When you wake up, I'll be here to tell you you're safe," she whispers.

And JJ sighs, and presses back against her. "I love you, Emily," she says.

Emily smiles against JJ's shoulder. She answers in every language she knows.


End file.
